Friday, November 4, 2011

Alternate Reality

It’s another perfect, sunny day in Stormwind. Towers and spires all around gleam in all their unmolested majesty, having recently had their festive pumpkin decorations removed. Trade districts are bustling with activity, as always. Heroes fly to and fro on the backs of exotic beasts, magic carpets, and homemade flying contraptions. Business is conducted as gold and artisan made goods exchange eager hands. Not far from these bustling zones of commerce is the Old Stormwind Barracks. Commonly misperceived as a condemned building, the Barracks are actually a high-end nexus of player housing.  The overt destruction to the Barracks, courtesy of Deathwing himself, actually added property value and infused the neighborhood with new tenants. Apparently people are drawn to that distressed “recently incinerated” look.

In unit B303 a level 85 rogue is lounging on a kodo hide recliner, picking his teeth with an enormous dagger. Floating conspicuously over his head is the name Erosus. Erosus isn’t logged in right now, so he’s just kind of killing time in the apartment. Irritation wells up hot in the hero’s leather-clad chest as he notices a trail of dirt clods that leads from the front door all the way through the kitchen and down the hall.

“Sought!” Erosus shouted, “What the hell man? I thought we had a rule about leaving weapons in the entry way! Seriously dude, I know you’re getting a lot of play time lately, but that doesn’t mean you can ignore house rules!”

A light chuckle could be heard from down the hall. Sought, the warrior of the house, got out of his oversized circular bed with a snort. As he moved toward the hallway, he glanced at his two gigantic maces. The weapons, his pride and joy, made his heart swell as they churned away, their Landslide enchant releasing an ungodly amount of loose dirt and rock into the room. Once Erosus was in line of sight of his doorway, Sought Heroic Leapt into the living room, landing with a deafening crash. The rogue glared up at him from his leather throne of solitude, his grip on the dagger tightening unconsciously.

“You know how things run around here, warrior. Those maces will fill this place with that bullshit dirt within hours. Get them out, now!”

Sought shifted his weight from one foot to another, sizing Erosus up. He was clearly agitated, but that only made the situation all the more amusing to the plate-wearer. With a crooked grin, Sought said:

“Why don’t you just go in there and move them for me?”

The rogue rolled his eyes, unimpressed with Sought’s baiting. He’d made jokes about rogues not being able to equip two-handers before. Before he could respond, Lifehack, a druid, burst into the room, all feathers and fur, crying.

“Why would they just nerf Wild Growth like that? Why? It’s just not fair. I barely get played as is and they’re NERFING me? This is hopeless. Just HOPELESS. Wait, why do you two look like you’re about to duel?”

Sought let out a bellowing laugh, clutching his stomach like the force of it was too much to bear. Erosus sighed.

“Do you see the mess he’s made? He brought those damn maces in the apartment again. I don’t know what time he got here, so Adal only knows what kind of mess is building up in his room. He’s been the popular alt lately, so his inflated sense of self worth is no doubt making him feel that he’s above common decency” Erosus cried.

Lifehack glanced sideways at the smirking warrior, one eyebrow raised, and said “Well, if you want I can go into his room and get them. I seem to have left some of my, things, in there the other night.” At that, the rogue shifted uncomfortably in his seat. Alts weren’t supposed to share rooms. If they were logged into while together, it caused disconnects. Besides, Erosus had a brief coupling with the druid when they were both lower level, and hearing of such things, especially with a clod like Sought, always stung. The rogue finally stood up, put himself eye to eye with the warrior and said,

“No, don’t enable him. He is a child without a single bit of regard for any of us in this home. I have to watch our NPC maid come in here and work her fingers to the bone cleaning up after this slob. I’m done living in his filth.”

Sought snickered and said, “well, if you got logged into more than once a day for that JC daily, maybe you wouldn’t have to watch the cleaning lady so much.” His face was a picture of barely contained hilarity. Lifehack gazed dreamily at the warrior’s armor. He looks so good when he’s recently repaired she thought.

With a barely visible motion, Erosus unsheathed his mainhand weapon and pressed it against Sought’s neck. Lifehack screamed girlishly and cast Roots on the rogue. Sought Intimidating Shouted and stepped calmly out of melee range. Once the fear wore off, Erosus vanished in an explosion of smoke. Just then, heavy plate boot footsteps could be heard on the front porch of B303. Sought and Lifehack fearfully looked at each other. The main was home. Jack burst in the door just as Sought got sapped. After noticing the dirt, the paladin immediately knew what was going on. In a flash of holy light, sought was suddenly surrounded by Jack’s Hand of protection. Erosus hadn’t noticed, but was quickly embarrassed as his attacks unstealthed him. Sought stood, unharmed, as the jabs made a hollow whooshing sound against the shield.

“God damn it you two, are you fighting over this damn tree again, and what is this shit all over the floor?!” Jack shouted in full fury. The paladin was an image of bottled aggression. His weapon, Volcanospike, wreathed in color shifting flame, his new tier 12 shoulders glistening with the sheen of a recently applied enchantment. “I swear it” he screamed, “if this keeps happening, I’ll get one of you deleted, and I don’t care which one!!” Clean up this mess and stop being at each other’s throats. You know how much I hate coming home to find I have to rez one of you!”

The rogue stomped (or in as much as one can stomp in leather soled boots) down the hall and slammed the door to his room. After the shield wore off, Sought simply shrugged and scratched his shoulder.
“Ugh, I hate forbearance. Sorry Jack, I don’t know what his problem is. I think he’s just mad that his weapons still have hurricane on them,” Sought said thoughtfully.

Jacklalane sighed. “Shut up Sought. Just ring the maid and get this dirt out of here. And for god’s sake, take get your maces outside. I can see the pile of dirt from down the hall. Fucking Landslide."

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